I’ve been working on myself. I’ve been working, but working on myself. – Orry
I’m gonna have to science the shit out of this. – Mark Watney
Oh nothing, we just shot the shit. He’s, he’s just a really nice guy, we’re gonna get brunch next week. We uh, we actually have a lot in common. – Scott Pilgrim about his negative alter ego Nega Scott
2024 was a year of contentment. After a long time.
My hypothesis was that this contentment came from working step by step, intentionally, making progress towards some of life’s most important, gnarly matters.
But on second thought, it felt like a result of gathering a much deeper understanding of those matters, and not the progress itself.
And as I keep putting words on page, it felt like a function of something else; being older – on the other side of 40; or maybe our younger daughter now sleeping through the night, potty trained, and fully conversant; or maybe the added material comfort & security my work allows me; or maybe just not having too many f***s left to give.
The truth, I am positive, is a synthesis* of all of the above.
2024 has felt different, at ease. Not because it was without struggles, or because I haven’t gone around in circles (I have). But mainly because I have finally embraced them instead of trying to defeat them.
I have both metaphorically and literally befriended the minor notes. A combination of the great Orry – intentionally ‘Working on myself’, the great Mark Watney – ’Sciencing the shit out of it’, & the Nega Scott epiphany – ‘Just shooting the shit, & finding that I have a lot in common’ with my dark side alter ego.
I can best describe what happened in 2024 as:
Reverse Engineering the Self one layer at a time
In 2024, I reverse engineered & articulated to myself how & why I show up at work, for my own health, in relationships, and for music the way I do. It was a fascinating exercise in tactical, data-based introspection. Peeling the onion, one layer at a time; experiencing & becoming aware of the superficial symptom; articulating the real matter at hand; deeply understanding its underlying mechanism; then deciding what to do about it – solve, accept, or eliminate; and then cautiously & intentionally acting on it.
While I was able to get to the root cause of many of these issues and take action, I realized that a central premise seems to be that I like / don’t mind / don’t abhor / accept grinding it out, getting stuck on the plateau, in the quagmire as part of the process. Even when I know the solution, know that a few minutes, hours or days of concentrated focused work, will solve the problem, I let it fester. It also led me to the awareness that this is a result of a combination of
- Framing matters in an All or Nothing way
- Ignorance/ Reluctance to ask/ pay for help
- Not yet understanding and embracing my Jungian Shadow, and
- Neurochemistry imbalance (ultimately everything we do or don’t is neurochemistry)
While I’ll report back on where this understanding takes me in 2025 (Self, Relationships, Health, Work), I do want to elaborate in detail some aspects of Health, Music, & Self
Health
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a sweet tooth. I also had a visceral aversion to sleep (waste of time, FOMO). Combine these 2 with a sedentary, stressful, Corporate Exec workload & lifestyle, the damage to health compounds, as time goes by. Foolishly turning to running long distances without proper training to counter this damage, ironically resulted in more damage, now at a musculoskeletal level.
I know & understand the facts related to sugar, sleep, strengthening, & stretching. I understand the mechanism of insulin resistance, autophagy, beta amyloid cleaning, neural circuit repairing, fascia, tendinopathy, loading to failure, warts & all. I also know & understood all the atomic habits tactics and what I had to do.
I know the what & the how. Still I’d been in a Sisyphean struggle with sugar, sleep, and well being for years now. Like being in a deep constant struggle with another person inside me. One wanting mastery over the other.
It took a lot to realize that Sugar, or Insomnia, or the Tendinopathy was a symptom, and not the problem. It took a lot to realize that the Jelkyll vs. Hyde construct in my head was the problem. It took a lot to realize that this was not a battle to be won. This was a puzzle to be curious about and fall in love with. That is when I started making some headway.
After lots of going back to nature, understanding dopamine circuitry, coaching, therapy, reading, and nootropic supplements, I finally seem to have changed my relationship with Sugar, Sleep, and Physical pain. My emotional scars I still wear with pride.
Befriending Minor notes (both literally & metaphorically)
In my over 20 years of playing the flute, I have steadfastly avoided becoming proficient with the minor notes. They are difficult to play, feel contrived for the fingers, and sound melancholic at best and cacophonous at worst. But this fealty to major notes greatly limited my flute playing. I couldn’t play things in different keys. I needed different flutes (or playing in a convenient key). And if the piece of music is complicated enough, I just couldn’t play it. This handicap has prevented me from calling myself a flautist.
In 2024, I finally admitted to myself that The Obstacle is the Way and decided to befriend the minor notes. Serendipitously found myself an absolute gem of a flute maestro teacher in Shri Ashwin Srinivasan online. Then religiously followed his instructions. Just a few hours in, and voila, minor notes & I became friends. I can now play almost anything that I want.
Overcoming this long long standing self imposed plateau came with lots of cherries on top. The effort and precision needed to get the minor notes right made my major notes sound much better & crisper. The glides sound sweeter. I find myself wanting to play more. I feel happy with my playing.
Euthymia
Life, in general, has been a fun quest to find a quest worthy of life. And throughout, I’ve sought the help of thoughts & ideas, elders, mentors, books, role models, friends, and colleagues to figure out and explore paths. This year I found my own sure-footedness of the quest. Instead of thinking in terms of available options I found my myself drawn to clarion calls that must be answered. I found quiet approval within myself. The purpose overwhelming the need to ascertain the efficacy, utility, or the payoff of the quests.
Techne
Every man has a poet and craftsman in him. One is born a poet, a craftsman one becomes (often attributed to Emile Zola).
Discovering the joy of befriending the minor seems to have suddenly activated the craftsman chakra in me. This means both good and bad things.
The Good – I’ve become much better at setting boundaries. Uncompromising on things that matter to me. Have to get to the exact note, and not meander to it. Want the exact word to express what I’m trying to say. Will hunt down the exact ingredient, color, texture, scent for a passion project. Finding joy in the awareness & pursuit of the exactitude has been exhilarating and transcendent.
A by product of this exactitude is that the universe other than the object of exactitude fades into oblivious background. The matter has to earn the f**** left to give. So counterintuitively, I’ve become unbelievably accommodating and carefree about things that don’t matter to me. Most things don’t trigger me anymore.
The Bad – Everything that matters takes 10X more time & effort. I have 10X more drafts, 10X more ideas, 10X more sample recordings, than I have published, worked, or acted on. This essay itself took more than 6 months to go from key points to draft to 8th draft in the notes app to the 12th draft on the web page before finally being published. On things I care about, my insufferability has skyrocketed.
Wish for 2025 & beyond
Continue embracing serendipities & zemblanities, in lockstep with easy sure-footedness of purpose, and love for the craft. But in a manner that is not the default natural.
Gradatim Ferociter
Step by step, ferociously. Each with exactitude & precision. Normalizing distaste for the grind, but not shirking from it.
Kinetic finesse
Quick steps, Nimble paths. Approaching them not as parts of the whole, but a whole in themselves. Finding success & joy in them, in the notes & interludes themselves without worrying about the symphony.
Tactile Dexterity
We have a mind because we have a body, not the other way round; at least not yet. Gravitate towards pursuing physical excellence – health, art, manipulating matter.
Scarabundance
Understanding and operating from an abundance mindset is wonderful, like synthesis* the real skill is in being able to seamlessly flex between austerity and full tilt as needed and having the acumen to know when to flip.
Trinity
Three pursuits matter in life – Mastery, Love, & Beauty.
Mastery, because it is fully in our control. And among its various forms, that of Self is highest.
Love, because no part of it is in our control. Learning to become a person who can love, hoping to receive love, and being graceful & accepting of its absence or reciprocation is all we can endeavor. As Gibran said, when his wings enfold, you yield to him, swords in pinions not withstanding.
Beauty, because it cannot be possessed, it cannot be handled. Beauty is sufficient unto beauty. All privilege is that of beauty**. The pursuit of Beauty is of learning to see it, of admiration, caring deeply, and of creating & finding it in everything that is life.
I wish the trinity finds us and embraces us with all its might.
Notes:
*Synthesis – The cardinal principle in the philosophy of Hegel is that every condition of soul or history begets an opposite condition, which then combines with the original position to produce a synthesis higher than either of the states that preceded it – Will Durant
** This essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson is by far the best thing one can read on beauty – https://emersoncentral.com/texts/the-conduct-of-life/beauty/
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